


The Gastronomical Fortitude of Gods versus Mortals

by weird_situation



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-16
Updated: 2012-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-07 21:00:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/435408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Clint and Thor ate disgusting things for science, and 1 thing they refused to eat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gastronomical Fortitude of Gods versus Mortals

**Tony**  
  
“Tony! We have need of your aid in the kitchen!” Thor boomed and, to be perfectly honest, Tony was concerned about what the god and Clint wanted. Last time he enabled the pair’s shenanigans he was stuck in a Canadian jail with Bruce, Steve, and Natasha for public indecency.   
  
Walking to the kitchen, Tony told JARVIS that if any of them started exhibiting behavior similar to the time they decided Disneyland was a good place for Clint and Phil to get married and kidnapped the other Avengers to be witnesses to lock them in the apartment and call a responsible adult to watch them. Clint and Phil were still married, so Tony counted it as a win, but Pepper gave him the “I’m disappointed in you and your life choices” for a month afterwards and every time he’d brought it up since then, so maybe it was more of a draw.  
  
JARVIS gave a quiet “acknowledged, sir” as Tony entered the kitchen to see Thor and Clint staring intently into the refrigerator.  
  
“What’s up, buttercups?” asked Tony, leaning against the doorframe.  
  
“We need you to be the judge in a contest of intestinal strength!” Thor was practically vibrating in excitement. Tony raised an eyebrow.  
  
“We’re having a contest to see who can eat the most disgusting combination of food,” Clint explained.  
  
“Right. And how am I going about judging this?”  
  
“Well we thought we’d each make something, eat it, and you’d tell us which one was grosser.”  
  
“Wrong. You have to eat the same thing, otherwise it’s all subjective and we are doing this for science now.”  
  
“How is this related to science?”  
  
“Testing the gastronomical fortitude of gods versus mortals. I’m sure there’s a Nobel Prize in there somewhere.” Tony shrugged. “Does it really matter? You asked me to judge, here’s me, judging. Well. Setting up parameters so I can judge effectively.”  
  
Clint and Thor exchanged a look that managed to convey that they both thought Tony was crazy, but they’d go along with him because they really wanted to eat gross shit.  
  
That’s how Clint and Thor found themselves watching as Tony pulled out a package of fishsticks and a container of custard from the freezer.  
  
“This doesn’t look that gross,” said Clint, doubt coloring his voice. He dunked a fishstick in the custard. Before he could eat it, Tony slapped the custard covered fishstick out of his hand and onto the floor.  
  
“It’s not done!” hissed Tony before stalking out of the kitchen to the bar in the living room. He came back with his arms full of alcohol.  
  
“Umm. Are you planning on giving me alcohol poisoning?” asked Clint. He’d be worried about Thor’s liver if they hadn’t already proven Thor and alcohol were best friends that didn’t hurt each other’s internal organs. Clint and alcohol couldn’t claim that same level of friendship. They were more the type of friends who beat each other up after a night of partying.   
  
“Of course not. But it’ll make things more fun. And we’re starting out with something not as gross that way we can gauge your reactions to something unusual, but not completely abhorrent. We are being thorough!”   
  
Clint nodded and retreated to Thor’s side, unnerved by the manic glint in Tony’s eyes.  
  
“Tony hasn’t done anything exciting lately, has he?” Clint asked in a low voice, watching as Tony dumped various amounts of alcohol into the custard before mixing vigorously.  
  
“He has not. With Bruce gone, he has no one to do science with and I fear he has taken our request to the extreme.” Thor didn’t look as worried, but he wasn’t the one who ended up with _Property of Stark Industries_ tattooed on his ass last time Tony was bored and in charge of entertainment. At least Phil had figured out it was temporary.  
  
“Okay guys. Come and try it now.” Tony gestured to the bowls filled with custard and fishsticks placed around the edge. “Eat.”  
  
Thor was the first to reach the bowls and grab a fishstick to dunk in the custard flavored alcohol mixture. He waited for Clint to get his fishstick ready and they ate them at the same time.  
  
Tony watched with a crazed gleam in his eyes (a Tony that was doing something ridiculous for science was a scary Tony). Making notes on his tablet, he walked around the counter to stand right next to the pair eating so that his observations would be as accurate as possible. Or so he could be as annoying as possible. Either one.  
  
Chewing his fishstick and custard, Clint gave Tony a look that clearly stated ‘if you start poking me I will kill you’ and Tony ducked his head in acknowledgement.  
  
“Well?”  
  
“It is most delightful!”  
  
“Did you put absinthe in this?”  
  
“Awesome and yes. Now, on a scale of one to ten, how much do you feel like throwing up right now?”   
  
“Abo-” Clint started before Tony screeched like a fucking pterodactyl.  
  
“Wait! We need paper. And pens. You’ll have to write it down so you don’t contaminate the data.” Tony rummaged through the junk drawer to find scraps of paper and writing utensils for Thor and Clint to use.  
  
“Now make sure you put your names on it and then the number saying how likely you are to throw up.”  
  
Clint rolled his eyes before scribbling down his name and a 2 on the paper, then folded it in half and handed it to a bouncing Tony. Thor prodded his stomach for a moment before writing a 0 down. He forgot to write his name, but Tony let it slide. There were only two subjects after all.  
  
Maybe he should ask Thor to invite some friends from Asgard that way they could perform the test again with more data points. Then maybe get it peer reviewed and published.  
  
 _Gods: 1  
Mortals: 0_  
  
 **Natasha**  
  
Natasha raised her eyebrow at Tony’s request.  
  
“For science!” he said brightly, in response to her unasked question.  
  
Snorting, Natasha let Clint out of the headlock she’d had him in and walked over to her water bottle.  
  
“We need to work on your timing.” Clint gasped out. Tony frowned at him and offered a hand to help him up. Clint grabbed it and pulled Tony down, rolling out of the way so the other man wouldn’t land on him.  
  
“See if I help you and Thor again,” sniffed Tony.  
  
Clint rolled to his feet and caught the towel Natasha threw at him. “So what do you say?”  
  
“Bruce is gone for another week isn’t he?”  
  
Tony grimaced. “I do not miss him. I do science all the time without him.”  
  
“He’s _pining_ ,” Clint mock-whispered to Natasha. She smirked.  
  
“I’ll be in the kitchen.”  
  
Tony and Clint watched as she walked out of the gym.  
  
“I’m starting to think it was a bad idea to ask her for help.” Clint worried his lower lip.  
  
“It’ll be fine. Don’t be a baby.”  
  
“Easy for you to say; you don’t have to eat whatever she makes.”  
  
“You raise a very good point. Want to come over here and raise me off the ground?”  
  
Clint left the gym, ignoring Tony’s calls for help.  
  
*  
  
“What’s she doing?” asked Steve as Natasha flipped the two hamburger patties over.  
  
“Science,” intoned Thor, watching her intently to see what was being made. So far it was only jalapenos, cabbage, and ground beef.  
  
“Do I want to know?”  
  
Tony and Clint looked up from the spreadsheet open on a tablet.  
  
“Probably not, but I have a feeling you’re gonna get roped into this too,” said Clint. Tony grinned at him and then turned to Steve.  
  
“We’re determining whether a god and a mortal have the same intestinal fortitude, and if not, what’s the difference between the two. I thought about asking you to join, but seeing as you have the serum, it really wouldn’t be a viable sampling. But we can test you against Thor and Clint to determine what effects the serum has on how well your intestines can handle gross shit.” Tony snapped his fingers rapidly. “And that would let us determine what effect a higher metabolism has on the ability to eat disgusting food combinations; whether or not you’re more sensitive to said combinations or less sensitive.” Tony’s eyes had taken on a glazed look that worried everyone in the kitchen.  
  
Steve started backing out of the kitchen when Tony stood up. “I’m going to decline to be a test subject. I wouldn’t want you to stress over adding a new variable when you’ve already got an experiment running.” With that, Steve fled to the living room.  
  
“Hmm.” Tony eyed the doorway with a calculating look until he heard Thor make a sound of contentment. Looking over to the counter where the others were, Tony saw Natasha had pulled out a box of poptarts.  
  
“Are poptarts really necessary? I mean, Thor’s gonna love this mess just because of them.” Clint looked put out.  
  
“Poptarts are always a valid choice, my friend. One day you too will find the ambrosia that quenches any hunger within you and you will not judge me so harshly.” Thor nodded sagely as he spoke and Clint’s mouth opened and shut a few times before he gave up trying to respond to that.  
  
Natasha ducked her head, hiding a grin. She spread nutella on two blueberry flavored poptarts, and a copious amount of mustard on the brown sugar cinnamon poptarts she had out before sandwiching the hamburgers between the newly condimented toaster pastries.   
  
Placing the plates with the strange sandwiches on them in front of Clint and Thor, Natasha watched with a grin as the pair examined the food.  
  
Thor poked his, quickly catching the top poptart when it started to fall off the hamburger.  
  
Tony clapped his hands together and said, “Well, I think it’s time we got this show on the road.” He grabbed his tablet and pulled a chair up between his test subjects. “Now. As you’re eating, make sure you analyze how disgusted you feel as the food goes down. JARVIS will be monitoring how many times you gag while eating, and that, along with your final number of how nauseous you feel, will factor into the final results on how vomit-worthy humans and gods find this...poptart burger.”  
  
Rolling her eyes, Natasha backed away, calculating vomit blast radiuses and adjusting for the unknown projectile range of Norse gods before choosing a spot by the stove. Clint watched her from the corner of his eye and snorted when she finally stood still.  
  
“Ready?” Tony waited for Thor and Clint to pick up their dripping poptart hamburger creations. “Set?” He flat out giggled at the look Thor gave the mustard that had started running down his hand and arm before saying, “Go!” and watching with intense focus as they tried to figure out how to eat the mess they’d been given.  
  
*  
  
It came down to this: Thor felt like a 1 on the scale of vomiting, and only gagged once, though an argument could be made for zero, seeing as he’d gagged after Clint had kicked him in the shin. And it was more of a choking to death on the corner of a poptart than actual gagging, but Clint threatened to shoot Tony in the knee if he didn’t count it as a gag. Tony valued his knees.  
  
Clint gagged three times and felt like a 2 on the scale. Mostly because he really couldn’t handle jalapenos.  
  
Tony cackled like a mad scientist every time one of them took a bite, and Natasha munched on a nutella covered poptart as she watched the proceedings, wondering when this had become her life.  
  
 _Gods: 2  
Mortals: 0_  
  
 **Steve**  
  
“I really don’t want to do this.”  
  
“Would you rather be a test subject? Because that option is still open; we’d just have to retest the baseline and first escalation with Barton and Thor with you thrown in the mix. I’m sure they’d have no problems with that.” Tony cocked his head and stared at Steve for a moment before gasping in horror. “Do you hate science? Is that what this is about?”  
  
“Wh-?”  
  
“Because I don’t appreciate you putting limitations on my knowledge and telling me what I can and cannot learn. I am a genius and I feed on science. Are you trying to kill me? Starve me to death on a diet of reality television and bird watching?” Tony’s eyes widened and he dropped heavily into a chair, banging his head on the table. (And they’d only gone bird watching the one time. Tony had accidentally scared a harlequin duck to death and the park ranger had burst into tears. The other Avengers had apologized profusely and promised never to let Tony near nature again.)  
  
“...I. What?” Steve looked so horribly confused and lost that Clint took pity on him.  
  
“Banner’s been gone for five days and doesn’t come back for another six days.”  
  
“I’m not fucking pining.”  
  
“He also hasn’t had coffee in about four hours. I think it’s starting to get to him. Look at his eye twitch.”  
  
Steve dutifully turned to see Tony’s eye twitch. Which it was. Whether it was due to caffeine withdrawal or banging his head on the table was up in the air, but the fact remained. Eye twitching.  
  
“Just. Make something unappealing. Throw in the Thai that’s been in the fridge for at least a month; we really need to get rid of that.”  
  
Steve looked at Tony, a look of utter disbelief on his face. “I’m not going to feed them something that could make them sick.”  
  
“Kinda missing the point of this exercise, isn’t he?” Clint muttered to Thor as Tony started arguing with Steve about whether month-old Thai takeout was dangerous or not.  
  
“Indeed.” Thor looked longingly at the fridge. Tony had declared food off limits to the pair for at least three hours before the ritual eating of the nasty concoctions. It wasn’t a rule Thor enjoyed, at all. But Tony had JARVIS spying on them, and put an alarm on the refrigerator that was keyed into their biometrical signatures and locked them out at the three hour mark. It’d be impressive if it weren’t so fucking annoying. And alarming, if they stopped to consider just how much time and effort Tony was putting into this ridiculous experiment.  
  
“Hey, can we get on with it?” Clint interrupted Tony and Steve’s steadily getting louder argument. “I think Thor is going to try and rip the door off the fridge if he doesn’t get fed soon.”  
  
“I cannot dispute his claim,” Thor said mournfully.  
  
Steve sighed and nodded his head, agreeing to be a part of the madness.  
  
“Give me a little bit to figure out what I’m making.” Steve turned to the walk-in pantry and started perusing the options.  
  
“Hurry!” Thor called after him. Clint snorted and pulled Thor into the living room to play Wii bowling while they waited for Steve to fix up something for them to eat.  
  
*  
  
“Are you sure you want to put oranges in there?” asked Tony, watching as Steve tossed them in the garlic mashed potatoes and pudding (chocolate and tapioca) mixture.  
  
“It’s a good way to get them their vitamin C.”  
  
“Do you really think they’re going to get scurvy and die?” Tony took the orange slice Steve offered him and popped it in his mouth. “Pretty sure a demented tree with self-esteem issues will kill them first.”  
  
Steve rolled his eyes at Tony and shoved him off the counter so he could start chopping the veal he’d found in the fridge. He wasn’t sure how that had gotten in there, but he’d learned not to question things he really didn’t want the answers to.  
  
Along with the veal, Steve ended up putting onions, peanut butter, soy sauce and mayonnaise in the bowl before stirring vigorously and separating it out for Clint and Thor. He scrunched his nose at the sight of the mixture oozing out of the large bowl into the smaller ones.  
  
“This is by far one of the most ridiculous things you’ve ever done,” Steve said to Thor and Clint who’d just entered the kitchen.  
  
“More ridiculous than the time we tried to arrest a squirrel for impersonating Elvis?” asked Clint.  
  
“To be fair, we were extremely wasted when that particular event occurred,” Tony pointed out. He bustled around the kitchen, setting the bowls in front of Thor and Clint who’d taken their spots at the table.  
  
“Thor wasn’t,” said Clint.  
  
“The squirrel was most offensive in his talk about Clint. I could not let that go by unpunished.” Thor looked at the bowl eagerly, spoon already in hand, just waiting for Tony’s signal.  
  
Steve put the last of the dirty dishes in the sink, unsure of whether he should stay and witness this, or leave so he had plausible deniability for whatever happened next.  
  
Tony took the decision out of Steve’s hands when he shouted “Eat!” to Clint and Thor before Steve could leave the kitchen.  
  
Steve watched, strangely entranced, as Thor and Clint shoveled the mixture into their mouths.  
  
“That is disgusting,” said Steve, not really expecting anyone to answer.  
  
“It really is,” said Natasha as she and Darcy entered the kitchen.  
  
“Oh my god. What the fuck are they eating?” Apparently Darcy hadn’t been informed of Tony’s latest project.  
  
“You really don’t want to know.” Steve winced as Thor started choking on a particularly large chunk of veal he’d neglected to chew. “We should probably move back.”  
  
Thor coughed up the veal, right onto Tony’s tablet.   
  
“Clint wins.”  
  
“Dude, is there really a winner here?” Darcy asked, and Tony had to concede the point. Thor was coughing and trying to drink some water at the same time; Clint was steadily chowing down on the mashed potato/pudding/veal mixture, pausing every so often to press his arm against his mouth as he gagged; and Steve and Natasha were watching the pair with baffled amusement.  
  
 _Gods: 2  
Mortals: 1_  
  
 **Darcy**  
  
“I thought I was banned from doing anything vaguely science-y after I turned Thor pink for a week.” Not that Thor had minded, but Fury was surprisingly touchy about it. Go figure.  
  
“Well considering there’s no chemicals or complex machinery, we thought it wasn’t really going against the whole ‘no science for Darcy’ rule,” Tony said, still keeping an eye out for anyone who would rat them out to the director.  
  
“Right.” Darcy looked around the kitchen. “So. I’m just supposed to mix up the weirdest shit I can find and make it as gross as possible?”  
  
Tony nodded. “And then we watch Thor and Clint eat it.”  
  
“For shits and giggles?”  
  
“For science you heathen.”  
  
“Alright, alright, don’t get your panties in a twist.” Darcy wandered over to the refrigerator and started pulling out random things. There was hummus, tuna, kale, frog legs, chocolate mousse, yams, and ketchup on the counter before she decided she was satisfied.  
  
Darcy tossed a package of bacon at Tony’s head. “Fry that, would ya?” And then she reached into the cupboard by the coffee maker and pulled out a package of coffee beans. “This isn’t some weird imported shit that you’re going to kill me over is it?”  
  
Tony looked at the package in her hand and shook his head. It was Clint’s chocolate mint coffee, so he figured it was fair game.   
  
The bacon was burnt, but Darcy hadn’t really expected anything else. She just tossed it in the giant bowl with the other stuff.  
  
“JARVIS? What’s the most disgusting thing in the Tower that won’t kill anyone if they eat it?” Darcy asked.  
  
“There are several rodents, but if you are adverse to hunting, there is a lamb brain in Mr. Stark’s refrigerator in his lab.”  
  
“You’re a doll, JARVIS.” Darcy turned to Tony. “Lamb’s brain? Seriously. Either you are more obscenely rich than I realized and that’s a delicacy or you are the nastiest person ever.”  
  
“I’m going to go with obscenely rich.”  
  
“Pssh. You would. Go get me that lamb brain.”  
  
“I don’t recall being told I have to take orders from you.”  
  
“Want me to tell Steve about room 5C?”  
  
“Blackmail suits you, Miss Lewis.” Tony quickly left the kitchen to retrieve the lamb’s brain.  
  
*  
  
“What is that smell?” Natasha entered the kitchen as the smoke alarm went off and Darcy and Tony went rushing towards the oven.  
  
“We’re cooking!” Tony yelped as a burst of smoke hit his face. Darcy waved a towel to disperse the smoke and turned the oven off.  
  
“Are you sure about that?”  
  
“Don’t be a hater.” Darcy grinned at Natasha. “It’s for science!”  
  
“I thought you were banned from science?”  
  
“...it’s for world peace?”  
  
“Fairly certain Fury would ban you from that if he could, but I’ll allow it.” Natasha and Darcy turned at the sound of Tony’s scream of anguish.  
  
The pan had fallen out of Tony’s hands onto the floor. Natasha was the first to move.  
  
“Quick, scoop in back into the pan, then quickly divide it on to two plates that way Clint and Thor won’t notice.”  
  
Tony and Darcy sprang into action, finishing dishing up the food just as Thor and Clint entered the kitchen. Shooting relieved glances towards each other, Tony and Darcy offered the food to their test subjects after Darcy topped the blackened mess with Sour Patch Kids.  
  
“Right. JARVIS? You still good for monitoring gagging?”  
  
“It is my most favorite thing to do, sir.”  
  
“God I love him.”  
  
Tony gave Darcy a worried look. “I’m not sure how to feel about the fact that you have a crush on my AI.”  
  
“Sir, you should be more worried about Dummy’s crush on her.”  
  
“And the fact that if your AI had a body I’d be all over that.” Darcy nodded sagely.  
  
For once, Tony was speechless. Clint snorted and punched Darcy’s arm lightly.  
  
“No breaking him. We need him.”  
  
“I know you just want me out of the way so you can have that sexy AI to yourself. I’m on to you, Barton.” Darcy pointed her finger at Clint in what she hoped was a threatening manner. Her threats didn’t seem so threatening when she was surrounded by superheroes, but needs must.  
  
“Drat. You’ve caught me. JARVIS, baby, I just can’t quit you.” Clint blew a kiss to one of the cameras in the kitchen.  
  
“Nor can I quit you-” there was the slightest hesitation, “-sweetheart.”  
  
“Does this mean I was the other woman the entire time?” Darcy bit her fist and turned her head away dramatically.  
  
“You hussy! Trying to steal my man.” Clint had to bite his lip to keep from bursting into laughter. “Why would you cheat on me though, honey?”  
  
JARVIS let out a long suffering sigh. “Darling, I confess, it was her body that drew me to her.”  
  
“Oh my god. Oh. My. God.” Tony slid to the floor, head in his hands.  
  
“I thought you said no breaking him?” Darcy asked Clint.  
  
He threw his hands up in the air. “I didn’t break him! JARVIS broke him!”  
  
“My apologies.” JARVIS didn’t sound sorry.  
  
Natasha and Thor watched as Clint and Darcy knelt next to Tony and tried to coax him out of his stupor.  
  
“Hey buddy, wanna do some science? Looks like Darcy made a delicious snack for me and Thor to eat.”  
  
Tony groaned.   
  
“You know JARVIS really only loves you, right?” Darcy tried.  
  
Tony let out a moan this time.  
  
“Stark get your ass off the ground and run your stupid experiment so I can go back to watching Mythbusters.” Natasha’s words finally got Tony up and moving and the other occupants of the room looked at her gratefully. She just inclined her head towards the table where Tony was setting things up for the test.  
  
Shaking off the last of his mini-breakdown, Tony grabbed his tablet to make notes on.  
  
“Ready?”  
  
“I have been ready for the entirety of the day,” said Thor. Clint just nodded.  
  
“And start eating...now!”  
  
All told, it was a disaster.  
  
After Clint and Thor ate the crunchy burnt bits, they had to deal with the slimy bits. It was close, but in the end Thor won, having gagged four times, and only feeling like a 3 on the scale. Clint gagged four times as well, but felt like a 5 on the scale (it went to a 7 once Darcy told him he’d just eaten lamb brain).  
  
 _Gods: 3  
Mortals: 1_  
  
 **Coulson**  
  
“No.” Coulson flipped a page in one of his many open folders before noting something down.  
  
“Pleeeease?” wheedled Darcy.   
  
They’d decided to send Darcy to recruit Coulson because Tony would piss him off; he was able to ignore Thor and Natasha’s inane requests easier than the others; Steve refused to be a part of the experiment anymore; and no one wanted Clint to persuade Coulson with a blowjob considering Coulson did his paperwork in the living room.  
  
There were just some things that didn’t need to be shared with the team.  
  
“Okay, how about this: I will do Tony and Thor’s paperwork for a month.” Considering Tony and Thor rarely did paperwork, if at all, it was a pretty tempting deal. But Coulson hadn’t gotten to his position without learning how to play hardball.  
  
“You do the paperwork for two months and make me those mint chocolate chip cookies at least once a month for two years.” Coulson sat back and folded his arms across his chest.  
  
Darcy raised her eyebrow at him. “Well played. And accepted. Go get your butt in the kitchen and whip up some nasty thing.”  
  
“I am still your boss, you know.” Coulson closed all the folders on the table and put them in his briefcase before standing up and heading to the kitchen, Darcy following him closely.  
  
“And that is why I treat you with such respect, bossman.”   
  
*  
  
Everyone watched in fascination (and a little fear) as Coulson efficiently chopped up ingredients and tossed them into the blender. It seemed that even though he hadn’t wanted to participate in the experiment, he was going to be the best at making his concoction.  
  
Coulson had put supreme pizza, watermelon, almond milk, cucumbers, cream cheese, black beans, spinach ravioli, salt and vinegar chips, salmon, and barbeque sauce in the blender and even Thor was looking slightly queasy.  
  
“Can I have a bendy straw?” asked Clint when Coulson finally put a glass in front of him. Coulson pulled a straw from his pocket (he knew Clint had a weird love affair with straws) and placed it in the archer’s smoothie of doom before stepping back and raising an expectant eyebrow at Clint and Thor.   
  
“Wait! Thor needs a bendy straw as well. You can’t just change the parameters for one subject and not the other!” Tony glared at Coulson until the man produced another straw for Thor. “Much better.”  
  
“Why am I here?” Steve asked the ceiling.  
  
“Because Tony blackmailed you with his health,” said Natasha.  
  
Tony refused to sleep or eat anything unless Steve bore witness to his latest shenanigans. And Steve caved so fast it was absurd. That didn’t explain why Natasha found herself in the kitchen watching Clint and Thor attempt to drink a ridiculously chunky smoothie...thing as fast as possible without vomiting.  
  
Of course seeing Clint accidentally getting his straw stuck up his nose was definitely worth seeing.  
  
“JARVIS? You should send a medic up.”  
  
 _Gods: 3  
Mortals: 2 (sympathy points for the win!)_  
  
 **And Bruce**  
  
Tony walked into the kitchen to see Bruce offering Clint and Thor plates of what appeared to be tofu.  
  
“I thought you weren’t coming back for another three days?”  
  
Bruce looked up at the sound of Tony’s voice. “I heard something about Christmas trees and science. Considering the fact it’s August, I thought I should cut the trip short.”  
  
Glaring at Clint, Tony poured himself another mug of coffee. He hadn’t been fucking pining. Clint just smirked at him.  
  
“What is the gelatinous substance? It appears most disconcerting.” Thor was poking his tofu with a finger, watching warily as it jiggled.  
  
“Tofu. It’s healthy and pretty tasty,” said Bruce. “I’m sure you’ll like it.”  
  
“Is it supposed to wiggle like that?” Clint’s fingers twitched; he wanted to have his bow ready just in case this turned out to be some alien life form.  
  
“Yes,” said Natasha as she tossed Clint the bottle of pills he was supposed to take for his nose.  
  
“I do not approve of this,” said Tony. “They’re supposed to eat disgusting combinations of food, not a singular disgusting food. This completely throws off the parameters of the experiment.”  
  
“Wow, he’s really into this,” Bruce said to Natasha.  
  
She nodded. “Just be glad you missed Darcy’s turn to make the food.”  
  
“Did she try and use the oven again?”  
  
“Unfortunately Tony forgot she has a lifetime ban.”  
  
“Hey! In my defense she told me she’d been watching a lot of Food Network.”  
  
Everyone gave Tony a look of disbelief.  
  
“That is not a good defense,” said Natasha.  
  
“So is this part of the experiment or are we done with that?” Clint asked. He really hoped they were done; tofu looked absolutely nasty.  
  
“Yeah, we’ll use it as the final test.” Tony nodded decisively. “JARVIS! Run testing protocols one more time and if you flirt with Barton I swear I will ground you.”  
  
“Of course, sir.”  
  
Bruce opened his mouth to ask, but Natasha shook her head at him. Closing his mouth, Bruce resolved to ask her what all that was about later.  
  
“Alright. On my mark.” Tony waited until Thor and Clint were in position. “And...go!”  
  
Neither Thor nor Clint moved their forks towards their mouths.  
  
“Any time now.” Tony frowned.  
  
“It’s just so...icky looking.”  
  
“Icky? That’s the word you’re going with?” asked Tony. Natasha coughed to cover up her laugh.  
  
“Indeed it is the word that I find most accurately describes my feelings towards this foodstuff. Icky.” Thor put his fork down. “I must concede this battle to Clint.”  
  
“Actually, I think I’m with you buddy.” Clint put his fork down as well. “I refuse to eat that shit.”  
  
“So...tofu is what defeated you guys? Not lamb’s brain?” Tony was surprised; he didn’t think tofu was that bad.  
  
“Lamb’s brain?” asked Bruce.  
  
“Darcy,” said Natasha.  
  
“Say no more.”  
  
“I guess this means Thor wins. He had the stronger constitution in three of the five tests. I have to say I’m impressed that Clint managed to have the better intestinal fortitude twice; I would have bet Thor would have kicked his ass.”  
  
Before Clint could get up to defend his honor, Natasha suggested they gather the others and go out for waffles to celebrate Bruce’s early return.   
  
Everyone knows waffles are better than tofu. 

**Author's Note:**

> I actually like tofu.
> 
> This was supposed to be short and silly. It kind of grew without me noticing.


End file.
